Reading this title may make you think that this is a diatribe (all too common) on the things involved in a marriage: husbands, children, pets, garbage men, hot water heaters, etc.,etc., etc. While all of these things and more have, at one time or another, made me a little crazy, it is the actual physical act of a wedding that is making me crazy. I love to see people that I care about find someone to marry. I love the ceremony, the commitment to each other, the food and the dancing. I love shopping for shower gifts and attending all of the parties and festivities. It is preparing to attend the wedding that is giving me problems.
This summer the daughter of good friends got married. I love both the bride and the groom and was thrilled to share their special day. I was asked to read in the wedding, and felt that this would be a good time to get a new dress, since most of my wardrobe is more appropriate for work or gardening. Off to the stores I went - how hard could it be to buy a dress? I found lots that would be nice for work but were too casual for a wedding. I found some with sequins, feathers, and odd things that were too dressy or too weird. In Kohl's I found a red and black dress with cape sleeves and a bell skirt. Not my usual type of dress, but I decided to try it. I put the dress on and checked the back and side views. Not bad, although it did make my butt look a little big (one of the things that tends to happen when you have a big butt!). I was getting excited because I really liked the dress. I had found the one for me! Then I turned around, faced the mirror, and let out a scream. That dress would need a turtle neck and long johns under it before I could wear it in public. Off to other stores to search.
I tried on several other dresses. There was the lavender print with the big, floppy rose at the neck. It looked like the flower on a clown outfit, and the underskirt was a micro-mini so that at least three quarters of my legs showed through the material. Off with the dress. Then I tried on a plain, plum colored dress. It wasn't too bad above the waist, but the skirt was cut at an extreme angle with no hem and there was a big rip up the side. I looked like one of those chicks on the shipwreck movies whose main purpose in the film was to have her clothes torn while she hyperventilates. At that point I went home and got out my twelve year old blue dress.
Now another dear friend has a son who is getting married. I decided to circumvent the dress problem by finding a dressy top to go with my black slacks. I walked through the stores. There were the tops that were so covered by sequins that they looked like something that I would wear in a joust. There were the ones that were practically transparent so that I would need to get another shirt or two to wear under them. There were the ones that had attached jackets that hung like a gunny sack. Suddenly I saw it - a maroon tunic sweater with a cowl neck and a beautiful scarf. I have never worn scarves (I have a tendency to look like the Frito Bandito), but I knew that this was the outfit that would look good on me. I grabbed it and ran to the dressing room, yanked my top off, and put the sweater on. It was lovely, but it hung to my knees. I had worn shorter dresses in the 60's. Rather than looking elegant, I looked silly. Maybe I could wear the blue dress with a sweater.
On top of the problem of clothes is the problem of a wedding card. It is difficult to find a card, since most of them are all white and horribly insipid. Actually, the sympathy cards are much nicer. (Does that mean something?) Maybe I could buy a sympathy card, white-out the message, and write "Happy Wedding" in it.
Maybe I could just talk them into eloping.
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